10 years since Episode 1

Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this.
Qui-Gon Jinn: I don't sense anything.
Obi-Wan: It's not about the mission, Master. It's something... elsewhere. Elusive.

It has been 10 years since Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was released. I remember the hype like it was yesterday. At the time I worked for a tech support company, and the place was filled with 1000 nerds and geeks, almost all of which were Star Wars fans. We talked Star Wars non-stop. We grabbed every piece of footage of the new movie that we could find. We watched both trailers over and over again. I would bring the official Star Wars magazine in and it would get passed around. We would look at pictures of the new toys and plan out how many we were going to buy, use as cube decorations, or store in boxes for the next 30 years. I hit up Ebay and started buying vintage figures and vehicles, figuring the movies would make their value skyrocket. I went to see Wing Commander in the theaters because I wanted to see the Star Wars trailer on the big screen. The fact that the trailer did not make an appearance should have been a sign of things to come.


The toys were released before the movie. This made the news. Footage of people tearing through Toys R Us to grab as much as they could. When asked what most of them were going to do with it all, most said they were going to stick them in their attic for 20 years and then sell it all. A coworker had the same idea, and she bought over $600 worth of toys. Ebay then got flooded with people trying to make a few dollars off the figures they had just bought. The hot item? Darth Maul, of course. These people did not realize that one of the reasons unopened vintage figures were so valuable was because almost no one was saving them for this purpose back then. Most were bought for kids like me, and we all played with them in the dirt. These people are going to find that they wasted their money when in 10 years you will still be able to buy sealed Episode 1 figures and vehicles on Ebay for barely over what they retailed for. Right now you can buy a Darth Maul figure, sealed and on a mint condition card for just a few bucks. I know, I just checked.


Qui-Gon Jinn: Greed can be a very powerful ally.


But back to the movie. It was released, and I had to wait a few days before I got to see it. I saw it on a Saturday morning with my old friend Trent and his wife. I was practically shaking with anticipation. Finally, after all these years, I was going to see a new Star Wars movie. We sat down and a large row of kids sat near us. One kid was being incredibly loud, and before the movie started I was tempted to tell him that I had been waiting 16 years for this, and to shut his mouth. The theater got dark. The Star Wars logo came up and the music started. I could have died of happiness right at that moment.

Then the actual movie started.....

At first things were fine. A few lines felt like they were delivered poorly, but it was Star Wars so I was ok with that. The lightsabers came out, the droids were on the move, and things were cool. I was getting into it. And then, something horrible happened. A moment that will forever live in infamy.

We met Jar Jar Binks.


Jar-Jar Binks: Mesa called Jar-Jar Binks. Mesa your humble servant.


I think I could have tolerated Jar Jar a bit more that first time if it wasn't for that kid I mentioned earlier. He laughed, loudly, at everything that came out of Jar Jar's mouth. What I did not hate was the Gungans. Yeah I suppose they were rather lame, but I defended them afterwards on message boards and at work. Why? Because even they hated Jar Jar. They banished him!


Jar-Jar Binks: Ooh mooey mooey I love you!
Qui-Gon Jinn: You almost got us killed! Are you brainless?
Jar-Jar Binks: I spake!
Qui-Gon Jinn: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here.


So anyways, the movie. I got used to Jar Jar, and the kid, and went back to enjoying the movie. And then we met someone even worse then Jar Jar. This person ruined the movie.

Anakin Skywalker, played by Jake Lloyd. Or as they called him in the movie, "Annie".


Anakin: You're a Jedi Knight, aren't you?
Qui-Gon Jinn: What makes you think that?
Anakin: I saw your laser sword. Only Jedi carry that kind of weapon.


I thought I was going to scream when I heard him say "laser sword". I will forgive him for the lines he had to say, since that was not his fault, but damn was this kid bad. I wanted to fast forward everytime he opened his mouth. I wanted him to crash and burn in the pod race. The pod race felt a little long and forced at times, but I forgive it because it was actually kind of cool.


Finally the movie moves along and we see the Jedi Council. And puppet yoda. Did they lose the old puppet they used in Empire and Jedi? This puppet was awful. It looked stiff and completely artificial. The old puppet actually looked almost alive. I heard that in later DVD releases, the puppet was covered with CGI. Probably a good thing.


Yoda: Qui-Gon's defiance I sense in you. Need that, you do not!


The real bright spot in this movie is the battle between Qui-Gon, Obi Wan, and Darth Maul. That was actually awesome. The space battle, while pretty to look at, focused on the kid, and I thought the ground battle was lame.

Looking back, I think I convinced myself for a long time that I liked this movie. The last time I watched it I found myself gagging every few minutes. I am sure I will watch it again when it eventually gets released on Bluray, but I will forever view it as the worst Star Wars movie.
Thanks George. Your lack of directing ability made this movie suck, and it should have been great.

Yoda: Hard to see, the dark side is.