medicating it all away

For years now I have wondered if I should just say fuck it and medicate my problems away. This can be a good or bad idea, depending on who you talk to.

I know some people who suffer from depression and anxiety disorders and say that medication has been the best thing for them. One day they woke up and all their problems were gone. Their outlook on life was better, and they were the person they always wanted to be.

There are those who say it didn't do shit for them, except for a few nasty side effects.

And there are those who said it did nothing but turn them into an emotionless zombie, completely numb to everything going on around them. Sounds like a fair trade to me.

As long as I can remember, I have always hated approaching a crowd of people, even crowds I knew. I would rather avoid social situations whenever possible, even those dealing with family. Talking to or calling people is a chore that I would rather hold off for another time. My biggest fear is I will say something, it will come out wrong or stupid, and I will end up looking foolish. I always feel that it is better to keep quiet than to say something, even if I feel it needs to be said. I will avoid certain situations if it means I have to talk to someone.

I can't yell at people, and I do not do well in arguments. Getting yelled at has a weird effect on me, and I often feel like I am a little kid when this happens. A lot of times when it comes time to respond, just as I am about to say something I freeze up, the words can't come out, and I get quiet very quickly. I actually have a theory on why this is, but since I do not want to make a false accusation, I will not mention it. It does involve some of my earliest memories.

None of this is recent. I can look back and see signs of being depressed and afraid to go out back when I was a kid.

So what should I do? Am I willing to take the risk of becoming a "zombie" for the sake of not having to feel down all the time? To not snap at people for doing something as simple as talking to me, or be able to walk up to someone without feeling like a 3 year old getting screamed at? Yes, sadly, yes I am very willing to do that.

The worst part about all this? I don't even have the courage to talk to a doctor about all this without feeling like they are going to tell me to "cheer up" or "stop being so shy".