Pet Store Hell

In a previous life, before I turned on my first computer and said "ok, what now?", I worked in a pet store. I was, to put it in PC terms, an "aquatics engineer", or, the guy that caught your goldfish. This is the job that gave me some of my current attitudes towards people. Yes, this is the job that turned me into a prick.

I worked for a company called McClouds during my last 2 years of high school. This company was a small chain in Central California. They had a few stores in the Bay Area and in the valley. I do not know if they are still in business. When I was laid off, they were closing a lot of their stores due to competition from Petco and Petsmart. I know the store I worked at in Modesto closed down. You will find that I have no love for McClouds. I liked some of the people I worked with, but I feel nothing for the company.

Now, as I said before, I was the "fish guy" according to a lot of the customers. I worked in the fish room, which took up the back of the store and was partitioned off from the rest. It was dark, which helped people see the fish better. There were probably around 150 tanks back there. None of them had heaters because we kept the room around 80 degrees. Water evaporation made the room very humid, which did nothing to improve my mood, especially when I was back there for 8 hours a day during the summer.

The problems I had with the company and the physical environment were nothing compared to what I had to deal with during business hours. Before my first day on the job, my mom told me that there is nothing ruder than a customer. She should have also told me that there is nothing dumber than a customer either. Rude and dumb are a lethal combination, especially when innocent fish are involved. In addition to rude and dumb, you will find rude and smart. There is a special level of hell reserved for these people. Friendly and dumb is the next, and although my hatred for them knows no bounds, I sometimes feel bad, because they often don't know any better. Last, there is friendly and smart. These people I like, and there were never enough of them. Since people normally didn't come in alone, I would run into a combination of the above. Friendly and dumb husband, rude and dumb wife, and if life decided it really didn't like me, their offspring. Kids were one of the most annoying things about the job, and I blame the parents. I usually have no problem with kids, as long as they behave themselves when they should. Kids often thought the fish room was a playground, and the parents would not put a stop to it.

If I were King, I would make some specific rules that people would have to follow when they went to their local pet store to browse the fish section. Any deviation from the rules would be punishable by a slow death.

1. You must first answer a series of questions that will determine whether or not you are going to be a suitable fish owner. If you pass this test, you will receive a license to own fish. If you fail, you will be thrown into a pit full of snakes. Poisonous ones.

2. You will listen to everything the fish guy has to say. He too will have to take a test that allows him to work there. His passing will assure you that he is looking out for the best interests of the fish. If he fails it, he gets his gender swapped, so you will be assured that he is motivated. If you do not listen to the fish guy, you will have to drink acid.

3. Your children WILL be kept on a leash with their hands bound behind their backs. Any attempt to remove these bonds will get you a meeting with the RANCOR!!!! Yes.. the RANCOR! They don't exist you say? When I am King, they will. Your kids will be set free, since even I, the King, abhor the harming of children.

4. You will not receive any more fish than you can afford, or that your tank can handle. Are you buying that small group of dipshit mollies while your spawn need shoes? Yeah? Well you will NOT when I am King. If you do, you will undergo anal-electricution. Your children will then go to parents who will give them what they deserve, for example: shoes, soap, fresh food, schooling, vaccinations, love.